Original Paragraph of Essay 2
President Obama builds moral and professional credibility for
himself through his speech in order to earn his audience trust and confidence.
First he started his speech with sense of appreciation toward his family, his wise president, and his
chairwoman which show
he is a thankful man with family values. Then he reassures that his values are
the same as American values. The American values are the fundamental values of
democracy such as that hard work will pay off; that responsibility will be rewarded; that everyone
gets a fair shot and everyone does their fair share, and everyone plays by the
same rules. He earns his professional credibility by reminding that he is not
only a governor, but also he
is the President of the United States who has earns four years of experience in this
position and his
leadership has been tasted. For this reason he points out some of his
promises that he made when he was a candidate for his first of presidency and now all of them came true;
for example, he promised to end the war in Iraq. He did. He promised to refocus on the terrorists who
actually attacked us on 9/11.He
did. Al Qaeda is on the path to defeat, and Osama bin Laden is dead, and
the project of world’s trade center monument is finished.
Revised Version of Paragraph
President Obama builds moral and professional credibility for
himself through his speech in order to earn his audience trust and confidence.
First he started his speech with sense of appreciation toward his family, his
vice president, and his chairwoman which shows that he is a thankful man with
family values. Then he reassures that his values are the same as American values.
The American values are the fundamental values of democracy such as the believe
that hard work will pay off; that responsibility will be rewarded;
that everyone gets a fair shot and everyone does their fair share, and everyone
plays by the same rules. He earns his professional credibility by reminding American
audience that he is not only a governor, but also the President
of the United States who has earned four years of experience in this position with
the testing of his leadership. For this reason, he points out some of the
promises he made when he was an electoral candidate for his first of presidency.
For example, he promised to end the war in Iraq. He did! He promised to refocus
on the terrorists who actually attacked us on 9/11. He did! Al Qaeda is
on the path to defeat, and Osama bin Laden is dead, and the project of world’s
trade center monument is finished.
To revision this paragraph, I made some grammar correction, some
spelling correction. I eliminate some wordiness. I also paraphrased some
sentences to make them more cohesive and could be read smoothly. I did not
change my topic sentence. I got rid of a sentence which makes conflict in my
essay. “Now all of them come true.” I did not go over all of president Obama’s
promises so I cannot write all of his promises came true. I also added
exclamation point here and there to keep the reader entertained.
I really appreciate how you use the highlighted words to show the grammatical errors you corrected. I think the revised paragraph alot better. It sounds much better and you definitely eliminated much that didn't need to be there. It is much easier when going in with an open mind and looking for the grammatical errors. The paragraph reads very smoothly and goes together well. I think you did a fantastic job.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading the whole thing, your comment, and your encouragement. In this paragraph, my topic sentence matches well with my thesis so I decided to correct the grammar errors and and paraphrase some of the sentences. I hope this does the job for essay revision.
ReplyDeleteWonderful ideas and methods to improve your writing. However, I do not advise the use of exclamation points in formal writing because they make the writing seem less... formal.
ReplyDelete